Breakdown

Friday night, I was overcome with anger for the first time since my head injury in June 2009. I was so beyond frustrated and couldn't believe how I felt. My whole body was hot and shaking and I couldn't stop the tears from filling up my eyes and covering my face. 


My husband was kind enough to let me have my fit without offering anything more than a hand on my arm to let me know he was there. After the anger was finished burning itself out, I immediately felt shame and sadness. It's been 19 months and there is no end in sight. 


People tell me I have improved, and I know that on paper I have improved. I still feel terrible every day, though! So.... are terrible and more terrible all that different? I have been told that it is a slow recovery and could take another year or more before I'm back to the level of health I enjoyed before the injury. It's devastating to me sometimes to think further ahead than today. Even tomorrow gives me angst. 


I know that God is with me. I can feel Him beside me, I can feel Him holding me. I am so grateful to have Him and I couldn't have made it this far without Him. He is everything. A friend shared this quote with me today: Sometimes God calms the raging storms. Other times He lets the storms rage and calms His child...


I hope all of you in this raging storm with me have the Lord Almighty to calm you as you go through this. 


I have come to the conclusion that it's ok to break down. It's ok to get frustrated, angry, sad, and all the other 30 emotions I can feel in an hour. Job questioned The One. Others have too. God wants us to know Him, not just obey Him. I love to be able to speak to my Father and I couldn't go another day without that. 

Ups and Downs

We saw Dr. Leddy today, but there isn't much new to share. My progress is continuing and I am to just keep pushing my heart rate further and further. I can comfortably do 20 minutes keeping my heart rate under 138 so far, and he's given me permission to push up into the 140's. We may do another functional MRI to see if there is any visible progress in the blood flow to my brain during tasks.

I am trying to get over this virus that's been going through my body. I was sick with a cold type thing for a week, that got better, but now I feel nauseous and tired. I'm not sure if it's symptoms of my concussion getting the best of me, or a virus working it's way through my body, or some combination of both.

Please pray that I can stay healthy so I can keep making progress in my treadmill treatment. When I'm able to be consistent on the treadmill, I feel better. I have more energy and my symptoms are easier to manage. I only had 1 migraine a week for the past 6 weeks, so there is improvement there. The medication I have to treat the migraines also seems to be working pretty well.

Thanks for all the prayers and support. It's been 19 months now, since the first head injury. I go through ups and downs in my attitude and outlook all the time, but it helps me to know that I'm prayed for by so many.

Waiting...

I'm steadily moving along with my treadmill therapy, but I'm finding that I'm reaching barriers that I can't push through. I hit a HR of 135 and after that, my symptoms cause me to reduce my speed or incline and keep my heart rate lower than 135. For a while, I had been able to push through the symptoms and push my HR to 140-145 symptom free.

I was sick for a week with a cold and it's possible that I got back out of shape and it's just taking time to get back up there. I shouldn't complain really, because I am supposed to only be able to get my heart rate in the 120's without symptoms.

I see Dr. Leddy on Monday, and it feels like 6 weeks without seeing him has brought down my morale. Maybe it was just being sick with a cold. I don't think there's much to gain by seeing him, because my condition won't improve just with seeing him. I think he has a good way of reassuring us and helping us understand what's going on and why. I always feel better when I leave his office.

I want to try to get on the treadmill today, but I have a headache threatening to become a migraine any minute and the nausea is not staying at bay today. I'm also having trouble with fatigue today. The headache hasn't been as constant lately, but the other symptoms (nausea especially) have been more prevalent.

I don't know really what any of this means, and it might not mean much, but anything different seems encouraging to me. I'm sleeping more and better too, but also having more vivid dreams that I can remember more easily.

I'll post an update after I see Dr. Leddy on Monday.